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Angela Nordzayum looked forward to Halloween more than her children. Having five of them meant a large haul of Halloween candy that needed to be checked and tested by an adult. Bill Nordzayum, her husband, was overseas with the Navy. This left only Angela to ensure that the candy was safe.

Since Halloween fell on a school night, after two hours of make-up and costume preparation, the Nordzayum kids piled into the bed of the family truck, allowing Angela to get them to as many houses as possible.

The trick-or-treating was a success. Knowing which neighborhoods give out the best candy is something you can only know after years of practice. Angela had a good feeling about this years’ haul.

Once they were home, Angela told the kids to place their candy on the dining room table. “Go clean up and put on your pajamas,” she told them. Having only two bathrooms meant Angela had plenty of time to go through the candy and pick out what she liked best. Under the guise of checking the candy for razorblades, poison, etc., she began sampling, which soon gave way to overindulging.

As the kids were finishing getting ready, they heard a loud thud. Billy Jr., the oldest, ran downstairs to see what was wrong. “Mom!” he screamed. She was sitting at the table face down in a large pile of candy wrappers. Without hesitation, the eleven-year-old grabbed the phone and called Matt Lockard, the family’s California Health Insurance agent, and described the situation.

“Mom ate too much of our candy Matt, what should we do?” Billy shrieked over the phone.

Matt was cool as a chocolate-covered cucumber. “Get an ambulance there as quick as you can,” he told the terrified boy.

The bloated Angela was comatose in the ambulance, but when she reached the hospital and was thoroughly examined, it was determined that she was in “sugar shock” as her glucose levels had briefly gone through the roof. Coverage in this instance became fortunate, as she required several days of hospitalization to bring her down from her sweet tooth high.  She didn’t develop Type 2 diabetes, but her pancreas was never again the same.

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The danger is not Charlie Brown real, but really real. Halloween is supposed to be a night when children seeking candy are the ones coming to your door, not evil giant pumpkins. But Homeland Security of Greater Los Angeles is warning that the threat level will be on red alert this Halloween.

“Most residents should expect a knock on their door that will be unfamiliar, five hard strikes followed by a soft knock,” warned California Health Insurance agent Matt Lockard, “and if you dare to ask ‘Who is it?’ the reply in an itty bitty pumpkin voice will be, ‘Land pumpkin, special delivery for …’ and believe me, that evil giant pumpkin will know your name.”

Why land pumpkin? Aren’t all pumpkins terrestrial? “Scientists of pumpkinology have been attributing the odd greeting to a skit airing some years ago on NBC’s Saturday Night Live which featured ‘land sharks’ knocking on doors in a similar fashion,” Lockard asserted, “and we all know what those comic creations were capable of.”   

How large are these evil giant pumpkins? “It varies,” said Lockard, “some may weigh up to a metric ton theoretically, depending on the growing season in the garden, grove, or patch where they originated.” 

What if a person is bitten by a giant pumpkin, assuming that they have teeth? “Most cases of ‘pumpkin nip’ which have been occurring are painful, but seldom fatal,” asserted Lockard, “but the only antidote I’m aware of is to purchase a California Health Insurance policy at your earliest convenience.  It’s uncanny,   but even the most vicious giant pumpkins will not attack someone who has adequate coverage.”  What kind of coverage? “It doesn’t matter, any policies offered by your nearest and dearest California Health Insurance agent will work fine – it’s like that garlic thing with vampires.”

The phenomenon has received considerable coverage by scientists of pumpkinology in the literature, and the reasons why the ‘insurance purchase’ option works as a preemptive remedy is not entirely understood. One pumkinologist, bolder than the rest, has recommended that buying a policy for this reason specifically from Matt Lockard produces a kind of lifetime immunity to ‘pumpkin nip’ – at least in most instances.

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But one day, she came into work and her boss just point-blank berated her in front of her co-workers all because she was one-second late coming into the door and fired her on the spot.  Milagros was stunned, bewildered and scared and was at a total loss, so she called California Health Insurance agent Matt Lockard for some advice.  For once in her life this was something that was unexpected, even as good at predicting things and taking precautionary measures as she has been known to do, she found herself in a bind: unemployed and uninsured all at once! 

The fall leaves were just turning its magnificent colors and the air was getting cooler as each day passed—ghouls, scarecrows, and pumpkin patches were cropping up everywhere; soon Christmas decorations. What in the world will she do now?  Does she want to go back to a nine-to-five clocking in the hours, overworked and under-appreciated, or does she want to finally pursue her dream of being a Cantonese translator, take that trip to China, a place she so long wanted to go? 

California Health Insurance agent Matt Lockhard reassured her at least she was covered in case of accidents and illnesses, so she set forth to forge her future, taking classes, freelancing here and there to pay her bills and what-not. 

Matt Lockhard contacted her after a year or so and found out that Milagros landed herself in rural California maintaining an apiary as well, with a fiancé and some land.  “We just came back from China,” Milagros told Matt.  “I will email you the pictures of us at the Great Wall of China!”

After California Health Insurance agent Matt Lockhard hung up the phone with Milagros, he smiled and thought to himself that dreams do come true after all.

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In lieu of a day off on that fateful August 15th, Matt Lockard wanted to at least have a relatively easy day. Most of his fondest memories in some way were involved with National Relaxation Day, or at least a degree of relaxation.

By 11 a.m., he’d seen seven clients, customers and prior policyholders march through his office door, families with their family plans, the elderly and the newlyweds, and even a llama that ambled in off the street and actually wasn’t a customer.

A woman from somewhere in the Middle East came by in a burka, and a pirate wanted one of those special policies to protect his interests on the high seas – as he was wary of other pirates with all that’d been going on lately in the Indian Ocean. They came in to make the day ultra-hectic and it wasn’t even lunchtime yet.

Cripes Matt Lockard whined (fortunately only in his mind’s eye), it’s National Relaxation Day and I can’t have a leisurely day just because my gig is California Health Insurance policies. It seems that everyone in California has some kind of health care concern that a policy can address.

Just then some college students came in, and they wanted a group policy that would protect them from potential injuries incurred at keg parties. Five of the six were young men, all enrolled in California schools getting in-state tuition and the straggler was an attractive young woman, unmarried but majoring in animal husbandry she soon revealed. Ten minutes later, Matt was at it again, part of a flurry of frenetic, attending to needs of people that had to be met.

More pirates in the afternoon, but these happened to be transplants to the Los Angeles environs from Pittsburgh. A bald-headed centenarian walked in preceded by his cane, and he wanted a policy that would somehow last to provide a legacy perhaps. Soon it was five of the clock and the sun was beginning to approach the horizon and Matt Lockard, a man who had missed his chance to relax, was about to set. The phone rang just then …

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The Olsens were headed from their village of Orange Hollow straight to Los Angeles to go camping in the nearby foothills for 4th of July weekend. But a wrong turn led Biff, the family’s patriarch, into East LA. A camping trailer couldn’t help but attract attention. It was inevitable when Biff and his lovely wife Beatrice, their sons Brian, Bill, and Bobby, only eleven – heard the first knock. “Who could that be?” whispered Beatrice. “It’s not Matt Lockard,” Biff said, “He doesn’t know we’re here.” The Olsens had recently purchased a family health insurance plan from Matt, a California Health Insurance agent if ever there was one. Once he’d invited the Olsens to the Los Angeles area, in a casual aside, but where their trailer was parked now was no place for tourists.

“Can I go outside?” said Bobby, being only eleven.

The knock came again. Fifteen-year-old Brian opened the door, and a youth gang poured into the family’s trailer en masse all wearing hockey shirts embossed with the logo of the Los Angeles Kings.  The Olsen kids, after a childhood spent cooped up in Orange Hollow, were keen on adventure. When one of the Kings offered to “show them around,” it sounded like adventure.

When the Olsen boys went with the others, Beatrice became momentarily worried. “Where are they going?” she said.  

“Boys will be boys, let them explore,” replied Biff.  

A few hours later, another knock came. This time it was a SWAT team, armed with a search warrant. The police officers discovered a Bible with certain passages from the Book of Revelations clearly marked, and also brought news of their boys – Brian, Bill, and Bobby, who was only eleven. “They were involved in an altercation with a rival gang,” one officer said, “Your youngest was shot in the leg.”

“That’d be Bobby,” replied Beatrice, “he’s only eleven.”

“We’d better call Matt Lockard and go to that hospital,” Biff said to Beatrice, after the SWAT team left, “Sounds like their exploring got out of hand.”

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Matt Lockard, California Health Insurance agent extraordinaire, didn’t know. He was really clueless about National Hug-A-Cat Day being celebrated

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Everyone in California enjoyed celebrating June 4 as Hug-A-Cat Day, except for California Health Insurance Agent Matt Lockard.

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Matt Lockard, California Health Insurance agent extraordinaire, didn’t know. He was really clueless about National Hug-A-Cat Day being celebrated on the 4th of June.

When the calls from cat-loving clients kept ringing him up on the 3rd, a whole slew of them, Matt was puzzled and even wary. “I assumed it was some sort of practical joke,” Matt explained.

Matt was less than enthused, especially when clients such as Mrs. Bessie Morgenthau began texting him on his Smartphone. “After she texted me about a dozen times, I’d had enough,” Matt said, “When I texted her back, I told her that I didn’t even like cats.”

This did not go over well. During the remainder of Hug-a-Cat Day eve, the calls kept coming in, overwhelmingly pro-cat, increasingly irate.

“Why aren’t you out with your cat preparing for the hug-a-cat-a-thon?” a client who refused to be identified finally asked the exasperated Matt, hearing a distinct purring in the background.  “I don’t have a cat,” Matt replied, but at that moment, he almost wished he did.

The next day, National Hug-A-Cat Day, dawned smoggy and putrid, a little like if a disgusting cat box had been left in Matt’s office. Matt opened the door to like any dutiful and hardworking California Health Insurance agent might, and entered. “What’s that smell?” Matt immediately said. A few seconds later, he saw it, a real cat box, and several little cat houses made of hard plastic not far from where the litter would go if he had any. “Oh no!” Matt cried, and then, perhaps instinctively, “Here kitty?

Suddenly, out from the cat houses came one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight of them, Matt counted. Matt sat down and began sobbing, and then a strange thing happened. The cats started coming up to him, nestling against his trouser shins which were soon covered in cat hairs. Matt reached out and started petting. “These animals just want to be fed,” Matt said aloud. Still, despite his best instincts, he picked one up, little more than a kitten, and hugged it.

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In the Roman Catholic Church, there are holy days of obligation when Catholics feel obliged to attend Mass. The Catholic holy days are significant to devout

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Matt Lockard pays homage to the June 28th Holy Day like the very best California Health Insurance agents always do.

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In the Roman Catholic Church, there are holy days of obligation when Catholics feel obliged to attend Mass. The Catholic holy days are significant to devout Catholics, but downright silly to Mormons and Moslems. Insurance Awareness Day, which has been celebrated (according to certain obscure calendars such as the Jivan—pronounced jive-an, for thousands of years) — is a sacred day to every California Health Insurance agent. “Most of us begin the sacred holy day with a ritual jog before heading into the office,” explains Matt Lockard, “or else we jump up and down for several minutes to get the blood going.”

Once in the office, a candle is lit. It’s usually purple and delivers a pungent odor, especially in a confined space like an office setting. “I usually light the candle with a customer, my first appointment of the day, already in the office. No matter what kind of policy they’re buying, the lighting of the candle on Insurance Awareness Day seldom fails to elicit a response,” Matt explains. It seems to remind many people of exotic dancers.

In fact, an exotic dancer is sometimes hired to heighten the festivities, but the dance performed, the “Insurance Dance,” is very protective in nature. “Just watching it performed gives you a warm and fuzzy feeling all over,” Matt asserts, “I also get kind of tingly.” By the time the ritualistic dance is completed, most customers also feel covered. “It doesn’t matter what kind of policy you’re buying. When someone is doing the Dance, and there’s a California Health Insurance agent in the room, who wouldn’t feel that they could withstand any medical emergency?” Matt argues.

After the dance, Matt typically recites “The Insurance Poem of Light,” always uttered in a reverent tone, and then refreshments are served. “I’ve been known to serve cookies and milk, or lemonade and pretzels if it’s hot,” Matt explains, “and everyone leaves happy.”

So is it like a party? About this sensitive subject, Matt Lockard appeared subdued. “It’s not anyone’s birthday,” Matt says abruptly, “It’s Insurance Awareness Day.”

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//

Matt Lockard considered it a perplexing question. He’d

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A frequent insurance-related question involves those so-called “lazy days” in May. Are they covered best by family or individual plans? Matt Lockard, a California Health Insurance agent, provides a few answers.

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Matt Lockard considered it a perplexing question. He’d been hearing it from clients a lot lately. Are those “lazy hazy days in May” covered best by family or individual plans?

A young girl named Hazel, only fourteen, and still under the umbrella of a child’s plan, was the first to call. “It’s a lazy, hazy day in May,” she said, “Calloo Calay,” and then she sighed the way adolescents always do.

“How are your parents?” Matt asked her, considering tenderly that he had a daughter who was about the same age, although her name wasn’t Hazel. “How can I help you or them?”

Hazel was swift and to the point. She pounced as if her femur were about to break, but hadn’t. “Calloo Calay,” she repeated, “My mom wanted to know whether those lazy hazy days in May that people are always talking about are covered best by what kind of plan? She’s serious.”

“Calloo Calay,” said Matt, attempting to approach the spirit of how the question had been posed, “This is a grave matter, nothing to joke about. These kind of days can lead to a rash of accidents. People don’t pay as much attention to what they should be doing.” Almost as an afterthought, he added for emphasis, “Calloo Calay.”

Hazel was quite impressed, especially when Matt added the part about the family plan being best in their case, but that circumstances varied by family, or individuals, and about how a given demographic responded to the “lazy hazies,” as they are customarily referred to by California Health Insurance agents in the know.

A flood of calls ensued; however, as several “lazy, hazy days in May” began to influence the behavior of careless Californians. Matt started to second guess himself, and third guess, and fourth guess himself, in a profusion of guessing. This profusion caused a certain confusion. When he left his office to walk down the street for a sandwich on a particular lazy hazy day, he got lazy, and soon felt hazy, when he tripped on a crack in the sidewalk and fell on his knee. Fortunately, he landed directly on a carpet beetle wandering aimlessly about, which cushioned the blow. As for the beetle …

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Matt Lockard, a California Health Insurance agent, had assumed he’d heard it all until he spoke

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California Health Insurance agent Matt Lockard had assumed he’d heard it all when it came to warm weather allergies. But Dustin Coughman’s woes went way beyond the pale.

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Matt Lockard, a California Health Insurance agent, had assumed he’d heard it all until he spoke to Dustin Coughman, at least as far as warm weather allergies were concerned. Most of the time, warm weather allergies, ragweed, rhinitis, and the like can infest nearby hills and vacant city lots to make his clients miserable, but it didn’t end there. Policyholders had been given the wheezies by such culprits as Russian thistle, or tumbleweed, coastal sage, mug woort, and pig weed, but until Dustin called on that fateful day, he’d never imagined what redroot could do to a human respiratory system, and also to the skin of a grown man.

Dustin sounded positively wretched when he decided to ring Matt up. “Matt,” he began, “May is my bad pollen month.”

It seemed that the only time that Dustin called was when he was in the midst of a bad allergy month. “I thought that April was your bad allergy month.”

“It’s bad too,” Dustin admitted in a pitiful croak which was becoming chronic, “but May is the worst.”

“What are your symptoms today?” Matt asked, attempting to be helpful.

“You don’t want to know,” Dustin croaked again, sounding even worse if that was possible.

“I do,” reiterated Matt, “That’s why I asked.”

There was a pause, as Dustin gathered up remnants of vocal cord, having to sort of bunch them to get his words out. The man’s throat was obviously inflamed. “Matt,” he said, “It’s my throa –“

“I figured that out already,” Matt replied, perhaps a little too smugly, “What are you allergic to in May? Do you even know?”

“Of course,” Dustin re-croaked, although it came out very much like hoarse instead of course, “I know exactly what it is. It was the tea that I had – prepared by Vageena, my well-meaning niece. It had redroot in it – I’m sure of it.”

“Redroot – redroot – redroot tea,” Matt rhymed, sort of, remembering an ancient jingle, then blurted, “Vageena?”  

“We call her Geena,” Dustin re-croaked again.  

“I understand,” Matt said, and he did.

“Can…you…call…,” Dustin begged piteously.

Matt, being the well-versed California Health Insurance agent that he was realized that Dustin was trying to croak “Urgent Care.” Dustin was picked up by a cab.

But later Matt felt a strange compulsion. “Red root tea,” he said to himself, “Gotta have some.”

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The Easter egg hunt over the spacious estate

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What happened to Johnny and David was exactly what had happened to California Health Insurance agent Matt Lockard when he was about their age. It was like déjà vu, but it was fortunate that the boys were properly insured.

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The Easter egg hunt over the spacious estate was great fun for the estimated five-hundred boys and girls loosed by the starter’s gun. Johnny and David Sprunt, a pair of brothers, aged 9 and 8, were intent on filling their baskets with treats. The chase after the hidden confections – became a frenzied kind of kid madness, within the first few seconds. But Johnny quickly spied a yellow marshmallow baby chick and placed it in his basket amid the green plastic grass and soon bent down to reach for a chocolate bunny behind an azalea bush that his brother David spotted at precisely the same instant. But when he too bent down and reached, the result was the accident of two boy heads bonking. The brothers were knocked cold.

“They both might have concussions,” their Dad figured. Their Mom was on her smart phone in seconds and dialing 911. Both parents were relieved when they realized that the trip to the ER would be covered, as they’d purchased a family plan from Matt Lockard, their California Health Insurance agent just a few months before.  First David, and then Johnny recovered consciousness in the ambulance enroute to the hospital, which was a good sign.

Both boys did sustain slight concussions, but even worse, they’d missed the rest of the Easter egg hunt. Later, when the brothers were recuperating at home, their parents offered them some pieces of Easter candy which the boys ironically refused – instead they asked for child’s strength aspirin. 

About a week later, the entire Sprunt family decided to pay a visit to Matt Lockard’s office. Within minutes the boys were relating the entire story, bonking and all. “That’s exactly what happened to me when I was about your age. I bonked my head on my friend Sammy’s head.”

The boys were impressed. “Really?” David asked.

A moment later, Matt surprised the family with an offer. “Hey, I knew you were coming over and hid some candy around my office. Whatever you can find in five minutes you can have.”

It was more informal, but big smiles suddenly appeared on Johnny’s angelic face, and then David’s. The hunt was on! Within ten seconds though, when both boys spied a big chocolate bunny at precisely the same instant, and reached for it a little too eagerly …

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